Read

“Leaving Behind What We Think We Want”

Published:
April 4, 2024
February 27, 2019
Read this reflective narrative about following God's plan by listening to the nudges toward grace.

The 30-foot windows that encased the rooftop restaurant of a fancy downtown Los Angeles building gave me the ability to see for miles. It was the summer of my junior year in college, and I had landed an internship at Fox Sports. The 2009 Lakers won the championship that year, so the company arranged a rooftop viewing party of the parade for the hometown victors. The atmosphere was celebratory, professional, and posh — everything I dreamed parties like this would be like.

It might have been the sweeping views of the LA skyline or simply a break from my mundane internship duties, but something allowed me to experience some inner silence that allowed my mind to rest and my heart to speak. As I looked out at the city, with the excitement of the celebration still swirling around me, I found my heart wandering. Could it be possible that the work I dreamed of doing since I was a kid was the wrong fit?

The truth that came to the surface as I let the question ruminating in my mind make my hands cold and my beer warm. I snapped back into the cheery atmosphere of the party, chalking up my experience to a moment of overthinking.

As the weeks went on, the question that came to me at the restaurant continued to surface. Here I was, at one of the top television markets in the country, working at a great internship, yet I was questioning it all. It was not that the work was inherently bad — in fact, it was exciting and challenging. Yet, there was an undeniable feeling that this might not be where I was being called.

I was so obsessed with the idea of being a television personality that I inadvertently ignored the courageous questions in my heart that were firing off like distress signals calling for my attention. What happens when your gifts and talents match a job, but your heart and passion just don't want to cooperate?

I shared my frustration with one of my spiritual mentors: “Why do I have to feel this? Can’t I just be normal like everyone else and not question everything?” He kindly chuckled, leaned in, and gently said, “Why are you running away from the very thing you long for?”

It has been more than a decade since I lived this significant moment in my career. In the last few years, I have built enough courage not to follow my initial instincts and run away from the questions of the heart. I can now recognize the sneaky feeling I had at the rooftop restaurant as a nudge toward grace. These nudges are not the same as the feelings that accompany cold feet or mediocrity. Rather, they are invitations to be available to what love was beckoning me to become.

Following the nudges toward grace is one of the most vulnerable choices I have made. It required me to suspend my preconceived notions of what I thought I wanted in the hope I’ll discover something more honest, loving, and true. Trusting that a hunch, a tug of the heart, or a deeper longing can be more than mere inconvenience is risky, but hidden within these movements is the capacity to point me toward something deeply authentic. What follows might be messy, but it's true. Uncomfortable, yet inescapable. Risky, while also undeniably freeing. Such is the nature of sacred things.

I continue to be a student of these nudges toward grace. It’s not easy to seek what glimpses of grace I might be able to catch, and then hold what comes to the surface with open tenderness.  When fear takes hold, it helps now and then to take a view from the top, to let the big picture expand the narrow scope of vision it takes to get through my day-to-day life and see from a different perspective. From this place I have been surprised to find that what I have been seeking has been seeking me the whole time.

Creators:
Christian Santa Maria
Published:
April 4, 2024
February 27, 2019
On a related note...
From Oil and Gas to Renewable Energy: A Story of Calling

From Oil and Gas to Renewable Energy: A Story of Calling

Grotto

3 Tips for Finding Your “Flow” State

3 Tips for Finding Your “Flow” State

Chris Hazell

How Magical Realism Helped Form My Imagination

How Magical Realism Helped Form My Imagination

Molly Cruitt

Grotto Talks with Bishop Bambera about Immigration

Grotto Talks with Bishop Bambera about Immigration

Grotto

“A Great Guiding Light”

“A Great Guiding Light”

Nicole Stallworth

A Cigarette at Midnight: Lenten Thoughts on Desire

A Cigarette at Midnight: Lenten Thoughts on Desire

Nicole Watt

I Suck at Meditating, But Journaling Helps Me Instead

I Suck at Meditating, But Journaling Helps Me Instead

Emily Mae Mentock

What a Martyred Priest Can Teach Us About Advent This Year

What a Martyred Priest Can Teach Us About Advent This Year

Elizabeth Hansen

How to Rock Your New Godparenting Gig

How to Rock Your New Godparenting Gig

Jessica Mannen Kimmet

3 Ways Backpacking Developed My Interior Life

3 Ways Backpacking Developed My Interior Life

Matthew Flynn

5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism

5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism

Josie Kuhlman

What is the St. Vincent de Paul Society?

What is the St. Vincent de Paul Society?

Anna Bradley

Join Our Live Conversation in Rome Tomorrow

Join Our Live Conversation in Rome Tomorrow

Grotto

St. Elizabeth Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

St. Elizabeth Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

Grotto

Saint Stephen Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

Saint Stephen Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

Grotto

St. Ignatius of Loyola Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

St. Ignatius of Loyola Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

Grotto

Feeding My Introverted Nature — While Working an Extroverted Job

Feeding My Introverted Nature — While Working an Extroverted Job

John Dougherty

How Shame Really Impacts Us

How Shame Really Impacts Us

Patty Breen

"Desperately seeking some guidance"

"Desperately seeking some guidance"

Stephanie Konrady

Good and Decent S2|E8: Backstrokes and Headspins

Good and Decent S2|E8: Backstrokes and Headspins

Grotto

newsletter

We’d love to be pals.

Sign up for our newsletter, and we’ll meet you in your inbox each week.