Read

How to Die Well

Published:
January 9, 2024
November 15, 2019
Peaceful-Death|Peaceful-Death-Square

Two years ago, Beth Haile was told she had two tumors growing in her brain. She was 33 years old and mother to three children — her youngest son was a newborn. She was told that the kind of cancer she had was terminal.

Before her diagnosis, Beth earned a Ph.D. in theology and taught a course to college students on death and dying, so she was better prepared than most of us to face this news. She composed an essay about what it was like to face her own death — what that terrible fact would mean for her and her family. The insights and experiences she shared were a rare view into honesty, suffering, and the source of an undefeatable hope.

One helpful technique that I used to teach and now use personally is that I refuse to use euphemisms. I am not going to “pass” or “move on.” I am going to die. Death at this point in my life is awful enough. By refusing to name it, it becomes even more powerful and terrifying. I talk to my kids about my death. They don’t understand but they won’t remember me as a coward. My head is not in the sand. I am facing this with the same realism I faced life.

Her words are the kind of story that changes your view of the world — the whole essay reads like a dispatch from a place that we don’t know very well but where we are all headed, so there’s a gripping urgency and immediacy in encountering her experience. It’s like she’s pulling back a curtain for us to examine the foundations of a good life.

I am also not turning my tumors into a metaphor. People tell me “you’ll beat this” and “keep fighting” and “I know you will win.” The battle metaphor might be better for some types of cancer, but not mine. Mine is terminal. There is no battle. And if there is it can only end one way — in a loss. But I will not lose if my cancer kills me. I will only lose if I stop living BEFORE my tumors start growing again, if I let sadness, and despair, and depression have the last word. And so I am not doing that.

In this month of November, when we turn our attention to things that are passing away and dying, Beth’s experience helps us fix our vision on things that never change. She had a firm grasp of something deep and true about the human experience and the interior life — she was drawing upon a hidden source of strength. It makes one wonder: Could I live with her courage? Could I die with her hope?

There are lots of people — I know they are well-meaning — who say God didn’t will this. This is not his plan. I can’t accept this. This gets God off the hook for something I need Him to be a part of. It makes God absent, except in the most incidental way, from the most significant experience of my life. I want to argue with God, cry out to Him, and maybe eventually, accept what He is doing.

Beth died this past week. Please join us in praying for her soul and for her family — and for all of those who suffer from a serious illness. May her soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

Creators:
Grotto Shares
Published:
January 9, 2024
November 15, 2019
On a related note...
Seeking Beauty with St. Josephine Bakhita | #GrottoMusic

Seeking Beauty with St. Josephine Bakhita | #GrottoMusic

Grotto

Jesus’ Favorite Podcast EP 2: Casting Out Demons with Father Vincent Lampert

Jesus’ Favorite Podcast EP 2: Casting Out Demons with Father Vincent Lampert

Grotto, Ebony Moxey, Javi Zubizarreta

St. Teresa of Ávila Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

St. Teresa of Ávila Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

Grotto

Dear Therapist: I Don’t Want to Be a Controlling Mom, But I Can’t Help It

Dear Therapist: I Don’t Want to Be a Controlling Mom, But I Can’t Help It

Grotto, Brya Hanan

How to Combat Loneliness (For Yourself and Others)

How to Combat Loneliness (For Yourself and Others)

Clare Rahner

Feast of the Epiphany Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

Feast of the Epiphany Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

Grotto

How Beauty Gave Me Strength in Suffering

How Beauty Gave Me Strength in Suffering

Bridget McCartney Nohara

This Story Will Make You Think About Life Differently

This Story Will Make You Think About Life Differently

Grotto

How Modeling Took a Toll on My Mental Health

How Modeling Took a Toll on My Mental Health

Makaela Douglas

How Low God Will Go For Us

How Low God Will Go For Us

David Fagerberg

Salesian Priests Give Hope to Victims of Sex Trafficking

Salesian Priests Give Hope to Victims of Sex Trafficking

Mary Rose Somarriba

This Christmas, I Miss My Grandfather's Faith

This Christmas, I Miss My Grandfather's Faith

Brittany Jaso

3 Things to Do to Help You Find Your Calling

3 Things to Do to Help You Find Your Calling

Emily Mae Mentock

Having Trouble Sleeping? Use These Stretches to Power Down

Having Trouble Sleeping? Use These Stretches to Power Down

Hanna Van Elk

Saints' Lives, as Told in Emoji — A Quiz

Saints' Lives, as Told in Emoji — A Quiz

Grotto

Turn to These Prayers to Help You Forgive

Turn to These Prayers to Help You Forgive

Dan Allen

St. Agatha Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

St. Agatha Spotify Playlist | #GrottoMusic

Grotto

I Failed, and I Failed Hard

I Failed, and I Failed Hard

Anna White

“A Great Guiding Light”

“A Great Guiding Light”

Nicole Stallworth

4 Ways to Respond When Your Goals Feel Out of Reach

4 Ways to Respond When Your Goals Feel Out of Reach

Robert Christian

newsletter

We’d love to be pals.

Sign up for our newsletter, and we’ll meet you in your inbox each week.